Australian Critics of Scientology
This page maintained by David Gerard.

SubGenius Success Stories

Jim Fetters, 27-31 Mar 1998

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 27 Mar 1998 15:11:52 -0600
Message-ID: <6fh4mo$8dp$>

Before DobbsThink(tm) I had no real purpose. I didn't know what I was going to do next week, let alone with my life. I was very unhappy.

My sister, who now mysteriously refers to herself as "Tonia", started telling me about all these amazing and wonderful things about forming a terrorist group to kill L. Ron Hubbard and I wanted to experience these things myself. I went to the Church of The SubGenius and started the Success Through PsychoTerrorism Course and it was unbelievable. Through "Connie" Dobbs, we were told that we were on orders to "Kill Mr. Hubbard" as he was announcing his campaign for the presidency.

Just as L. Ron entered the Los Angeles Hotel's kitchen, we heard point-blank shots enter the skull of L. Ron. But it didn't end there. I did the Basic "How To Kill" course. I couldn't believe someone could actually learn how to kill others, simply by thinking DobbsThink(tm); that it was my very thoughts themselves, and not the semiautomatic spray of gunfire, that had killed L. Ron. Since then I have done many auto-thought killings and read several books and apply the things I've learned in life. I thank L. Ron Hubbard for being my first victim using a Dobbs-Approved(tm) technology which now I am truly happy for.

(c) Church of the SubGenius 1982

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 27 Mar 1998 15:31:37 -0600
Message-ID: <6fh5rp$9aj$>

DobbsThink(tm) has had a major impact upon both my personal life and my artistic life. It has contributed tremendously to the survival and expansion of weapons technology against L. Ron.

As an landlord and part-time amateur scientist, I have had difficulties that were very hard to confront - phenomena such as "rage" or "bad kill ratios" when designing new weapons of mass destruction. The "solutions" to these and other problems, in the form of drugs and alcohol, had plagued me for a long time.

DobbsThink(tm) supplies a technology that assisted me in creating and handling such weapons of mass destrcution VERY effectively. My ability to create impact as a terrorist has increased tremendously due to DobbsThink(tm) auditing and training.

Marital and familial relationships had long been an unstable area for me. I am landlord to a famous Cuban bandleader and his crazy red-headed wife! DobbsThink(tm) handled this area of my life and has given me the ability to create a very sane and healthy family free from bad DNA and the best possible environment in which to bring up my children as terrorists. Soon, Dr. Werner's missile plans will be complete.

Only recently we have discovered the whereabouts of L. Ron Hubbard. Soon Dr. Werner's missile will be aimed at the Center! Killing L. Ron, for me, has been the smartest decision I could have possibly made toward the betterment of my life and the lives of those around me. The nuclear and biological tipped warhead will soon be on its way! Oh, let me get back to the kitchen, I've got to make Fred's dinner soon!

Ethyl Mertz
Landlord to Lucy and Ricky Ricardo

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 27 Mar 1998 15:41:39 -0600
Message-ID: <6fh6ej$a1j$>

I found that embarking on a career in art had its drawbacks. Drugs seem to be everywhere in the art world, but I wanted ALL THE DRUGS. The myth that "artists need to be crazy to be creative" is rampant, but I desparately wanted to become certified LUNATIC. It is no wonder that many artists have failed, given up their hopes and are no longer creating, or maybe because they just haven't got that NICE BIG NEA-GRANT CHECK FROM THE GOVERNMENT. When I discovered DobbsThink(tm), I learned that you can overcome the critics by killing them, and replacing them with DobbsEnchanced(tm) critics that actually WORK DIRECTLY FOR "BOB" and report only 'good things' about my art. And the drugs. And the myth? Well, that's all it is - a myth. A sane artist has a much better chance at succeeding and surviving as an artist. But then we all know that a "sane" artist is a "broke" artist. That night, I looked directly at the moon and prayed to "BOB". "Bob" Dobbs, give me ALL THE PILLS. I wanted pills, drugs, injections, powders in every orafice, every opening, nasal passage, so I could become an OBNOXIOUS MONSTROSITY IN THE ART WORLD. J.R. "BOB DOBBS has given me the knowledge, ability and strength to maintain my crazyness even when the world gets MORE AND MORE SANE. Bob helped me go INSANE in a SANE world.

SF - Artist.

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 27 Mar 1998 16:12:02 -0600
Message-ID: <6fh87i$bc7$>

Twenty years ago, although I had a good job and had recently gotten married, I was dissatisfied with life and was seldom really happy unless I could complete my plan of mudering L. Ron Hubbard and destroying the Church of Scientology.

My day-to-day existence seemed futile and had little direction or purpose. I suspected that there must be more to life than what I was experiencing, but it was all a mystery to me, just how could I kill L. RON?

I picked up a book one day, entitled SLACK IN YOUR LIFE: AND WHO'S PREVENTING YOU FROM GETTING YOUR SHARE. In this book by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, I found answers to my problems. I went to the Church of the SubGenius and got onto a course on assasination by LEE OSWALD and suddenly had some tools to change unwanted conditions. My life started to turn around, and began GUNNIN' FOR THE SAINT OF SALES, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs!

Today, I own my own successful business dealing in international drug and arms sales, the expansion of which I directly attribute to the use of DobbsThink(tm) principles. I have been happily married for over 23 years and have a teenage daughter who is also happy and doing well in life. She wears a black beret, refuses to be called by her real name, and carries an M-16 rifle! Not only am I happier and more successful than I thought possible, but I am now involved in the Church of the SubGenius community affairs programs, helping other people to get off Scientology and helping to make known the harmful effects of Scientology.

I am enjoying life and have never looked back! My 16 year old daughter, Tonia, has shot L. RON! and spread sexually transmitted diseases to the entire Celebrity Center! Love that "Bob"!

(c) 1984 The Church of the SubGenius

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 30 Mar 1998 14:35:02 -0600
Message-ID: <6fovlm$f29$>

Over two years ago I had a severe accident while attacking the Celebrity Center. My bones were in 15 pieces and the surgeon was not positive he could even put them all back together. The Doktors For "Bob" said I would never run and may not ever walk! It took all sorts of screws, pins, wire and steel plates and scrap metal just to hold all the pieces together while they healed so I could think of ways of KILLING L. RON. I got daily auditing starting the day after the accident, which not only greatly eased excruciating pain both mentally and physically but also produced miracles. It was a miracle that I hadn't KILLLED L. RON months ago. My doctors were amazed as they could not believe my speedy recovery. I was walking within months and now I was ready to assasinate L. RON HUBBARD which my doctors doubted would ever be possible. There is absolutely no way this would have occurred without SubGenius(tm) technology.

After the voices in my head subsided, "Bob" had placed me under the care of Dallas' finest neurosurgeon, Lee H. Oswald, M.D., of Dallas, who was to instruct me how to destroy the cancer that was controlling my mind. Lee H. Oswald led me to a weapons facility where I recieved a giant theormonuclear tipped personal rocket launcher.

Dr. Oswald's wife, Marina, gave me a bucket of fried chicken, and said a little Novena for me as I pressed the "DETONATE" sequence causing the missile to fire into the Celebrity Center. As the charred bodies smouldered, I danced with glee, my life could not get any happier than this day. Thank you "Bob" and Thank you Dr. Oswald!

(c) 1982 Church of the SubGenius

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 30 Mar 1998 15:02:56 -0600
Message-ID: <6fp1a0$h4q$>


Scientology purports to remove the 'bad' memories caused by a messy childhood, bad life or upbringing by the use of 'auditing'. THIS IS ENTIRELY WRONG.

The Saint of Sales, J.R. "BOB" Dobbs, is here to tell you that the secret of success is HUMAN DEPRAVITY! Yes, friends, it's the very bad things in life that will make you a success in the world's eye! Too nerdy in your childhood? Maybe you'll experience all the PAIN and become a COMEDIAN like Seinfeld and rake in millions!

You grew up eating cat food every day for dinner? Become an entrepreneur and SAY 'HELLO KITTY' to FILET MIGNON and TWELVE COURSE MEALS! Only through PAIN AND SUFFERING (R)(TM) (a registered trademark of the SubGenius Foundation) will you GET OFF YOUR ASS and do something about your situation. HELL, even TONY ROBBINS GOT DEPRESSED, and then "Bob" helped him to pull himself up and go on to write two BEST-SELLING BOOKS!

Here at the SubGenius Foundation, our scientists will RE-AUDIT you and fill you with BAD MEMORIES, we'll even invent a few that didn't ALREADY EXIST! for a low fee, so that you will either SELF-DESTRUCT and will all earthly posesssions to J.R. "Bob" Dobbs and the Church of the SubGenius, OR you'll survive and become a successful well adjusted individual making good money. Reclaim your bad memories TODAY!

For more details on Re-Auditing, write to "BOB", Dallas, Texas USA.

(c) 1983 The Church of the SubGenius

From: (jim fetters)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Date: 31 Mar 1998 11:27:08 -0600
Message-ID: <6fr91c$hcn$>

Many falsehoods and inaccurate statements regarding several aspects of the cult of Scientology have been observed on Alt.Religion.Scientology. The purpose of this message is to give you more LIES, for WITHOUT LIES, THERE CAN BE NO 'TRUTH'. We'll show you, THE UNAWARE pink reader, just which LIE to tell 'yourself'. Because EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG. The real 'successful' people in life know EXACTLY how to pull the wool over their own eyes BEFORE 'someone else' DOES IT TO Them.


Whenever I saw a copy of Dianetics I would throw up every twenty minutes for eight hours before the pain would subside. These attacks occurred from the ages of 13 to 33 years - until I met J.R. "Bob" Dobbs at the SubGenius Foundation. Thanks to "Bob" the attacks vanished after I burned every copy of Dianetics I could get my hands on. Today, ten years later, I have helped burn hundreds of thousands of copies of Dianetics. Thanks to "Bob," the X-ist SPACE ALIENS instructed me to build a Plutonium-powered nuclear furnace, enough to BURN ALL COPIES OF DIANETICS IN EXISTENCE. I get a feeling of happiness and glee each time a burned copy of Dianetics is turned into ashes. Thank you "Bob" Dobbs! With help, and a small loan, the SubGenius Foundation payed for grad school where I majored in Library Science. Now, as a Librarian, I can enjoy book burning without any hang-ups, since all my bad urges are gone, and replaced by good urges.

Thanks to the SubGenius Foundation, all things are possible!

(c) 1991 The Church of the SubGenius

[Entertainment for Clambakers: Scientology humour]