From: snjones@ix.netcom.com(Stephen Jones ) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: L.Ron Hubbard-Messiah of Many Hats Date: 25 Apr 1996 08:09:39 GMT Organization: Netcom Lines: 66 Message-ID: <4lnc03$7n6@dfw-ixnews2.ix.netcom.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: den-co12-27.ix.netcom.com X-NETCOM-Date: Thu Apr 25 3:09:39 AM CDT 1996 Cache: nntpcache 0.86UL by puke & proff (not cached) Hubbard was a hat fancier. As the first modern messiah, Ron was able to take advantage of the Industrial Revolution in a way that previous messiahs could not. With the advent of the modern factory, affordable and stylish hats became available to the comman man. Messiahs also benefited from this technological advancement. No longer were they limited to expressing their thoughts through "wise teachings", now they could wear a hat that let the world know what was on their minds. Hubbard, being a clever, clever man and thoroughly modern messiah, knew a good thing when he saw it. Don't believe me? Head on out to www.lronhubbard.org. and gaze in wonder at L. Ron Hubbard, the Messiah of Many Hats. Jesus wishes he had it so good. If only Jesus could throw on a beret to let the Apostles instantly know that he was "deep" and artistically inclined. L.Ron Hubbard did, and it works! Who wants to worship a messiah who isn't well rounded? Not me. What about wholesome? We all need our messiahs to be wholesome. You want wholesome? You got it! Take a gander at Hubbard the Boy Scout. If he's not saving the world from the psychiatric butchers, he's crafting a twig and two tin cans into a handy camping stove. Two tin cans? Saaayyyy, Hubbard, i won't find an e-meter diagram in the Boy Scout Handbook...will I? Ha-ha, of course not. They removed it when RTC threatened to sue "every last snot-nosed Cub Scout" if the Scouts did not cease and desist in their act of copyright terrorism. In the interest of not being sued until they puked, the Scouts removed the diagram of the "Sucker-O-Meter: Fool your friends, earn some pocket change....". An interesting aside: Hubbard was the first in his troop to earn the coveted "Wanker" patch. Alright, Ron! Is that a highly skilled "Master of Sail Vessels" I see? You betcha! L. Ron Hubbard was born with salt in his veins. How do I know? Would anyone *but* a born sailor wear such a bold and manly sailor outfit? Of course not. Can Hubbard help it if he looks like a dashing and daring man who has navigated the 7 seas... and then some? Of course not. While Hubbard did know that he looked "bitchin'" in his sailor hat, he only wore it because all good sailors wear such caps. If you don't have the hat, you don't have the helm....that's what *good* sailors say. It's true! Who would know better than Hubbard, Master of Sail Vessels. Witness his daring command of the good ship PC 815 in which Hubbard battled phantom subs using "a total of thirty-five depth charges, and despite the failure of either of the submarines to respond, they had sustained three minor casualties and shot away their own radio antenna." (Jon Atack- A Piece of Blue Sky, pg.78) You can't fool an old salt, there were submarines...but they musta slipped away...or something. Hey, would you question the judgement of a guy with a really good sailor cap? I didn't think so. What does it all mean? Image, baby! To quote Madonna (which is fun AND earns you the respect of your peers...if your peers happen to be 15 year-old girls), Hubbard gave good face. Hubbard was the first messiah to do so. Thankfully, for the CoS, Hubbard did not mind wearing a hat and striking a pose. With such a photogenic (in his early unbloated, unpurple complexioned days) messiah, the CoS has easy work of promoting their man Hubbard as the well-rounded and terribly interesting Messiah. While this packaging might seem crass or unimaginative or unspiritual to some, it is really tough for a cult to make a buck these days. Remember, consumer: Save your receipt! When you take your Hubbard Messiah home, open the box, and find that it is empty; don't hesitate to ask for a full refund. Smart consumers are doing it, are you? hey-hippy-hey-hidey-hidey-ho, Stephen Jones ps. To those hatted to handle a.r.s: Perhaps you are more of a fez kinda bunch. Those ars wrangler hats just don't work.